Don’t try new things on a Monday

There were so many possible titles for this blog and I apologize for the delay in writing it, but my finger has finally healed to the point where I can comfortably type again.

So possible titles:

Is it really better to cut yourself with a sharp knife?

People who think it’s better to cut yourself with a sharp knife haven’t done it lately.

I’m bleeding, but my cats are worth it.

Does adding my own blood to the raw diet improve it in any way?

Do my cats understand cursing?

Ok, in all seriousness I was able to convert a whole chicken into a big bowl of ground up grossness.  The good news is that my cats think that it’s wonderful.  The other good news is that Max doesn’t seem to throw up my homemade raw the way he does quite often with the prepared stuff (that’s a whole other category of grossness!)  So let me walk you through the 47-step process and try to spare you some of the mistakes that I made.

Step 1: Procrastinate and write a blog instead of getting started.

Step 2: Get all materials and ingredients out and have a natural smile on your face – this is going to be a fun adventure!

Step 3: Use the sharpest knife you own to try to hack the leg off of a chicken.  After mild cursing, hold the leg alot as if it’s the Olympic torch!  You have just achieved victory over the chicken!

Step 4: Put the leg into the meat grinder.

Step 5: Wait for something to happen.

Step 6: Nothing happens – smile leaves face, but you are not defeated yet!

Step 7: Try a piece without bone, it grinds just fine, decide that your meat grinder isn’t tough enough for bones and that you need a commercial grade grinder.

Step 8: Thoroughly wash your hands.

Step 9: Google commercial meat grinders.

Step 10: Pick jaw up off the floor after seeing the prices and google directions for the grinder that you have.

Step 11: Figure out that everything has to be cut up into inch square pieces.

Step 12: Google sharp knives.

Step 13: Look at bank account, find gift card for Kohl’s.

Step 14: Google directions to Kohl’s (I’m new here!)

Step 15: Put chicken in refrigerator, wash hands and get in car.

Step 16: Get out of car, go back into house and get the new street locator map you just bought because you don’t quite understand how that interchange in Leominster works (btw, don’t pronounce the “O” in Leominster if you don’t want to sound like a newbie!  And they don’t like when you do the Saturday Night Live accent ie: The Steve-ster, too easy to say Leo-minster”)

Step 17: Drive through areas that you think are probably right and sing along to the radio – today rocks!

Step 18: Nothing looks familar anymore, pull over and look at your map.

Step 19: Realize that you’ve driven off the map and are back in the boonies.

Step 20: Dry your tears and head back to where things look familiar.

Step 21: Notice the tiny little street sign blocked by a bigger sign and turn toward Leominster.

Step 22: Look in the mirror of the car before getting out – it wouldn’t look good to be purchasing a sharp knife with a tear-stained face.

Step 23: Shop for knives – find a good big sharp one and pick out kitchen shears because they’re half price if you buy a knife!  And since there’s a gift card involved, why not!

Step 24: Walk by the fall kitchen towels, pick out a pretty one.

Step 25: Walk by the men’s clothes, pick up a clearance swimming suit for your boy.

Step 26: Happily check out using the gift card.

Step 27: Pull out credit card – the gift card only had $15 left on it.

Step 28: Go to Cold Stone Creamery and buy an ice cream cake for the other child’s birthday – also using a gift card, that sadly only had $10 on it.

Step 29: Drive home, get lost twice.  This makes you too late for the school bus, but hopefully the boy child who fits into man-sized clothing can let himself into the house on his own.

Step 30: Get home, hide ice cream cake quickly and find no boy.

Step 31: Panic and realize that you have a message from the boy on the cell phone.   Message came in while you were in the boonies with no reception.

Step 32: Try to listen to the message while hubby calls and tells you to go get the boy at school, get grumpy, leave sharp new knife on kitchen counter and go get boy.

Step 33: Get home and get all supplies out again.  Reassemble meat grinder (parts were soaking in soapy water while you were gone)

Step 34: Re-reassemble meat grinder.

Step 35: Curse loudly, re-reassemble meat grinder.

Step 36: Slice chicken leg – the new knife cuts through the meat like butter.  With a little pressure, it cuts through the bones.

Step 37: Keep meat grinder grinding, chop chicken and feed through grinder.  Be amazed at how the knife and grinder cut through the bones!

Step 38: Talk to the girl-child and turn your head just a little.  Feel the knife go through your finger like butter.  See the top of your finger flapping around.

Step 39: Wash finger, scream “Bad Words” since it’s best not to curse in front of the children.

Step 40: Resume cutting chicken with paper towel wadded around your injury trying to keep it clean and stop the bleeding.

Step 41: Kids get hungry and ask if they really have to eat that.  Make real dinner for the family in between chopping chicken. 

Step 42: Finally finish the last bit of chicken in the grinder.  Mix it all together so there aren’t so many patches of organ meat or skin, YUMMY!

Step 43: Start cleaning the kitchen – this made a much bigger mess the first time than it will in the future. 

Step 44: Portion the raw chicken into ziplock baggies.  Run out of ziplock baggies, start using misc. tupperware.

Step 45: Actually offer the new raw food to the cats.  They dive right in and it’s all worth it.

Step 46: Take the cap off of a beer, sit with feet propped up and drink – repeat.

Step 47: Let your finger heal all week and finally write a blog about it!